


I Used to Be Something Great (You're All That I Want)

by sweeterthankarma



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Brief Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Laura has a solution for everything (yes that does mean sex but also other things), Vampire Insecurities, Vulnerable Carmilla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 10:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13339500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeterthankarma/pseuds/sweeterthankarma
Summary: “You know, it’s not easy for me to be a vampire again,” Carmilla admits once the spark from Laura’s eyes has faded ever so slightly in the silence that followed her words. It’s the truth- she’s been pretending she’s fine, pretending it doesn’t sting to know she’s stuck like this, stuck needing blood and hiding her fangs not only in public but around Laura because she doesn’t want to scare her, doesn’t want to make her live in a constant sense of restlessness like she does because she doesn’t know what’s next. She remembers Laura’s desperation when they knew there was no way to keep her human life and do the right thing, when selflessness had to win. Selflessness: it was a much nicer concept when it didn’t apply to radically changing the dynamic between yourself and the love of your life, Carmilla remembers thinking.





	I Used to Be Something Great (You're All That I Want)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took a while for me to get it the way I wanted it, and even now I'm not 100% satisfied with it, but I figured it was time to send it out into the world! It's my first Carmilla fic and I struggled a bit with the characterization, so I'd love any and all feedback! 
> 
> Title is from the song "All I Want" by Dawn Golden.

Insecurity was never something Laura thought of when it came to Carmilla. If anything, the exact opposite was something that struck her when they’d first met; her confidence and sense of self was a big part of the reason she’d crushed on her in the first place. 

After almost eight years of knowing her and dating for most of it- a large amount of that time involving physical contact- Laura was always mesmerized by how sure Carmilla was, in her words, actions, movements, and touches. Laura never mentioned it, even when sometimes she felt self-conscious or inadequate in return, solely because she was dating someone who was without a doubt more experienced than she was in the romantic field, the sexual field, and even the  _ living _ field. There was no denying it- three hundred years was a long time to learn about the world and the people in it. Laura knew she was smart, but she also knew she didn’t know how the world worked like Carmilla did. 

Besides, she was impressed by almost everything about Carmilla, especially in the beginning of their relationship. How could she not be? Freshman year was exciting enough alone, but then Carmilla was there, stalking around hallways and dorms, being a tall, dark, mysterious... _ glass of water  _ wasn’t the correct analogy, it was definitely something more like  _ vodka  _ or  _ whiskey  _ or  _ rum.  _ (At eighteen, Laura had only had sips of beer so she couldn’t determine it quite yet.) 

To put it simply, she knew Carmilla was different. More different than just being a vampire, there was so much depth to Carmilla that Laura had never experienced in anyone else before. It was exciting and refreshing and only drew Laura closer to her, as frustrating and complex and headache-inducing their relationship was.

Years later, she was the most important person in her life and they’d gone through more in less than a decade than Laura thought she ever would with anyone. She knew Carmilla just as she knew herself, and when she was hurt or upset, her ribs ached and her breaths came just as jagged. When Carmilla cried, it dug a hole so deep in her mind and she vowed to never be the reason for her tears, to only make her better and help put her back together again.

Carmilla had been through more suffering, more hardships, more broken promises than she deserved, and as much as Laura loved her and celebrated her birthdays (and rebirthdays) and went above and beyond for her, the pain didn’t vanish. It’s not like Laura expected it to- she’d been through her fair share of grief and loss in her life and she knew all too well how it lingered- but it made her worry, made her stomach lurch with nausea on the worst days when thoughts came that teased the idea that maybe, just maybe she wasn’t enough to save herself or the woman she loved.

    “Hey, that’s not true,” Carmilla’s voice comes from beside her after she’s finished speaking her thoughts aloud. Carmilla places a hand on her hip bone to ease her concern, to still the twisting of Laura’s fingers- a nervous habit. 

Laura bites her lip, half wishing she hadn’t spoken her thoughts aloud, but Carmilla knows her too well at this point. One look with those brown eyes, deep and searching into her own, raised eyebrows and a look that states “no bullshit,” Laura will pour her soul out. She always does. 

    “It’s been hard lately, I’m not going to lie to you,” Carmilla says, and her voice is gentle, tired but not frustrated. “Seeing Elle again, having to meet all the people I killed, losing my human life...it wasn’t easy for me, cupcake. It wasn’t. But I’m okay.”

Laura searches her eyes for a long time, looking for a tell, a sign that she’s not okay. There isn’t one, so she just huffs and leans back, half against her girlfriend’s shoulder, half against the bedpost.

    “I just worry about you,” she says quietly. “I want you to be happy.”

Carmilla lets out a breath of air, so shallow it’s almost a laugh. “I am happy, Laura.” She lifts the blonde’s chin with her index finger, smiling as she meets her eyes again. “With you, I’m always going to be happy.”

    “But things could be better,” Laura says, turning so that she’s closer, feels safer and more sure of her words, of everything that’s shared- both spoken and unspoken- between them. It’s amazing how the slightest distance between them can be too much, how filling in the space can make everything feel at least a little bit more bearable.

Carmilla purses her lips, chewing on the inside of her cheek for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, you’re right. Things could always be better. We could be millionaires with three separate mansions in Bora Bora that we alternate our stays in every week. We could have enough money to fly to a new country and cure world hunger.”

Laura’s eyes brighten at this and Carmilla takes note of it, loves how she always wants more, wants what matters rather than just superficial objects. But she also knows the dangers of wanting what you can’t have, entertaining the ideas of being atop thresholds you’ll never actually reach. 

    “You know, it’s not easy for me to be a vampire again,” Carmilla admits once the spark from Laura’s eyes has faded ever so slightly in the silence that followed her words. It’s the truth- she’s been pretending she’s fine, pretending it doesn’t sting to know she’s stuck like this, stuck needing blood and hiding her fangs not only in public but around Laura because she doesn’t want to scare her, doesn’t want to make her live in a constant sense of restlessness like she does because she doesn’t know what’s next. She remembers Laura’s desperation when they knew there was no way to keep her human life _ and  _ do the right thing, when selflessness had to win. Selflessness: it was a much nicer concept when it didn’t apply to radically changing the dynamic between yourself and the love of your life, Carmilla remembers thinking. 

    “I want arguments over who does dishes, cupcakes to celebrate big days at work and grandkids,” Laura had said, tears in her eyes as they stood by the staircase, morning light barely coming through the windows of the mansion. That had been one of the hardest moments of Carmilla’s life because yes, she wanted all of those things, maybe even thought that she  _ deserved  _ all of those things, but there was no point of having them if they weren’t with Laura. 

How could they happen when she didn’t age, when she would be around forever, looking the same as Laura grew old and mortality did its thing, and then she was alone again? It was a thought she hadn’t focused too much on because it hurt her more than anything, and would hurt Laura just as much because she knew she had been trying to brush it away so constantly.

    “We’re going to be okay,” Laura says- the same thing she’d said in the past when Carmilla had brought this up. “I know it’s scary, but we’re going to figure something out.” Laura glances away, opening her mouth but then thinking better of it. Seconds later, she decides there’s no secret worth keeping when her love is in this much pain, in this much turmoil.

    “You know, I didn’t want to tell you because I kind of wanted it to be a surprise, especially because your rebirthday is coming up, but…” 

She pauses for dramatic effect and Carmilla’s eyes stay firm, intense on hers. 

    “...Laf has been doing some research on reversal spells. They’re getting pretty close to finding an answer too, but they want to make sure it’s perfect.”

Carmilla doesn’t know what to say. Her girlfriend, the one who’s generally unable to keep secrets, especially when they’re good ones, because she just wants everyone to be as happy as she is with the knowledge she has, is finding a cure. A change. A solution.

The tears fall before she even knows they’re surfacing in her eyes. “Laura, I...what? How long have you guys been working on this?”

Laura smiles sheepishly. “About five months?” she says it like a question, as if she’s embarrassed.

In seconds Carmilla’s arms wrap around her. Her grip is so tight, so sudden that she wobbles backwards a little bit before she reciprocates the embrace. She buries her head in her hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her shampoo mixed with her perfume and the smell that can only be described as  _ her.  _ This feeling is home, more than any city or apartment or university could ever be, and she would do anything to keep it. Carmilla knows that.

    “Thank you, Laura,” Carmilla murmurs against her shoulder. “I didn’t want to worry you, but I figured you could tell how hard it’s been for me. Living in this body...it’s so animalistic and I’d forgotten how strong the urges can be. I  _ hate  _ it.”

    “Hey,” Laura soothes her, voice low as she runs her fingers through her hair. “I could tell. Of course I could tell. I just want you to feel good, to be happy in your life and in  _ our  _ life. And we’ll get there together, trust me.”   
Laura pulls away, hands still on Carmilla’s shoulders as she faces her. She wants to look into her eyes, to make her know how truly, deeply, unconditionally she means this next sentence. Despite all their differences, despite all their struggles and missed chances and flaws, they’re still together, still holding on to their bond which means the world to both of them. She knows nothing will break them, even if their courage wavers and life just seems hard. “Has there ever been anything we couldn’t accomplish together?”

Carmilla sniffles, blinking away the last of her tears, but smiling, this time with more hope in her eyes. “Absolutely not, creampuff.” 

She leans in for a kiss, long and soft and wanting, saying everything with her mouth that words can’t express, at least not to the same degree. She lowers Laura onto her back, tongue warm in her mouth as she breathes out a quiet, “I love you.”

    “I love you, too,” Laura replies, peppering her jawbone with soft kisses. 

When Carmilla’s hands wander down her waist, stopping at the hem of her shirt and trailing back up, this time underneath the fabric, fingertips warm against her skin, it’s tentative. They both notice.

    “It’s different,” Carmilla says as her fingers trace small circles against the smaller girl’s ribs. “I mean, this is how it was when we were first together and first did this, but I got so used to...the human way after a while.”

Laura peers up at her, curious and attentive, and Carmilla shakes her head. “Sorry, ruining the mood.”

    “Hey, no,” Laura says. Her voice is firm. “Tell me how you feel. I want to know. Don’t keep it all inside, you can tell me anything.”

    “I know,” Carmilla says after another kiss, this time to her forehead. “It’s just...frustrating. Because for the longest time, I didn’t think there was anything we could do. Even now, what if Laf can’t find anything? What if whatever they find doesn’t work? I don’t want to get my hopes up, I have to deal with this in some capacity anyways.”

_ “We’ll  _ deal with it,” Laura corrects her. “In some way, somehow, we’ll get through it. We always do.”

Laura is a bit taken aback with Carmilla’s vulnerability, although she doesn’t show it. It’s not like they haven’t discussed this, haven’t cried over it and even gone out and gotten drunk and partied because it seemed like a good way to cope. But she knows Carmilla worries about her, knows what she shares can sometimes be limited purely to serve as a mercy and make things seem better, more ideal than they are. Especially when it comes to the vampire....symptoms, for lack of a better word, Laura doesn’t know how to rationalize it and they both are aware of that. It’s almost laughable- after all, how could a human who’s always been a human understand the desperate need for blood, so rampant and uncontrollable she’ll kill a squirrel in broad daylight to get her fix? It’s not something Laura can understand, but she can sympathize- even if she is a vegetarian.

    “If it makes you feel any better, when you touch me I feel the same, whether you’re human or a vampire,” Laura says, voice low and flirty. She grins at Carmilla with a shyness that’s still there, even after years together. Carmilla grins back.

    “So, when I do this…” her fingers trip back up her shirt, across the lace of her bra before squeezing ever so slightly. A wicked smirk spreads across her face.

    “No complaints here,” Laura says. She arches up for a kiss before rolling over so that she’s atop Carmilla. The brunette’s hands skim across the small of her back, earning a shiver from Laura before moving lower to her butt. 

    “Even when you kiss my neck, I’m not afraid. I trust you, one hundred percent, and…” Laura trails off, giggling and getting distracted as Carmilla starts suckling on the pressure point just below her ear.

    “And?” Carmilla mumbles against her skin, teasing.     

Laura leans down, applying pressure to the apex of Carmilla’s thighs with her knee between her legs, but the moment is tender, softer than either of them anticipated. Laura’s hands smooth Carmilla’s hair away from her face, behind her ears before pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. 

    “And it’s all going to be okay,” she finishes. “I’ve said it so many times and I promise, even if Laf can’t find a spell- which they will- but just in theory, if they can’t, we’ll do this together. We’ll figure out how to make things feel better for you in every way. We’ll figure it all out.”

Carmilla smiles, nodding as she looks up at her. “Okay.” Her voice is soft, vulnerable, but Laura knows she believes her.

    “Now, let me help you feel a little more comfortable in your vampire body,” Laura says, grinning devilishly. She leans down to kiss her collarbone but stops once Carmilla bursts out laughing.

She frowns. “What?”

Carmilla just shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I’ve just-  _ vampire body?  _ What the hell, Laura? I’m just a vampire in a human body, it’s not like I’m a bat or something.”

Laura flushes, embarrassed, but continues nosing at Carmilla’s shirt, itching for it to be out of the way so that she can distract her from the fact that she very unsexily said “vampire body” and instead do something she knows she’s good at- making Carmilla come. 

    “You shouldn’t be insecure,” Laura murmurs against her shoulder in between kisses. Her hands work on the button of Carmilla’s jeans and she relishes in the way Laura writhes beneath her, eyes closed, all awkwardness forgotten as her fingers brush the hem of her underwear. 

    “You’re so beautiful,” she says as her lips tease against the curve of her left breast, fingers tripping down to the place where she aches for contact. 

It's enough for her just to be on top, she gets a rush from the control and the knowledge that she can make Carmilla come undone like this, even after all the years they've been together. She knows what it takes for her to fall apart, to whine her name and drop her head back; she knows how to do this right. So she does exactly that, hoping that her movements and touches can say everything she wants to with more emphasis than words could. 

When Carmilla heaves her last sigh, climaxes beneath her in such a luxurious,  _ beautiful  _ way it strikes Laura in the chest with such fondness, affection and pure love it practically hurts. She bounds up, touching as much of the expanse of Carmilla’s skin as she can reach on the way up  before pressing her lips to hers and relaxing in the familiarity, because she’ll really never get tired of this.

Things won’t be easy for them, she knows that. They never have been. But by now, she should know that she would do anything for her, and she will. By any means necessary, they’re getting Carmilla’s life back and everything’s going to be okay. 

Together, they have enough strength to get through whatever comes their way. Laura knows this, believes it with her whole being and knows that deep down Carmilla does too, even if it’s hard to truly trust that faith sometimes. 

Carmilla kisses her cheek, slow and lingering, and when she lets out a quiet sigh of relief, Laura knows that she believes it too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a comment and make me smile, either here or on Tumblr under the same username.


End file.
